Archive for toothpaste

lavoris and the wizard people

well dear reader, it’s been a few days since i wrote anything on here.  last semester came and went. and then winter break (or as i rather enjoy calling it, christmas break) came and went (by the way, i happened to have a quite a fabulous break and did some quite fabulous stuff, but i’ll be letting you know about that later.  it isn’t quite the time for that yet).  and now i’m back here at the university of connecticut for yet another extended period of growth, learning, and education (it happens to be my sixth one of those in case you were wondering).  seeing as it’s a new semester with new teachers and new work and new toothpaste (i’m currently using the “original cinnamon flavor” paste that is sold by some company called “lavoris” [which seems to be owned and/or operated by another company known as “charlesflora consumer products, llc”].  interestingly, the company’s website mentions a bunch of different mouthwashes that they sell, but no toothpastes [you can, however, purchase a tube from cvs online. thank goodness].  even more interestingly, i happened to purchase this wonderful variety of paste at ocean state job lot.  that being said, with consideration toward the lack of representation on the company website, there’s a good chance that it’s toxic and/or carcinogenic.  oops.  but the flavor’s not bad.  you always have to take the cons with the pros, i guess), things have gotten a bit backed up.  there’s probably a good deal of laziness involved as well, but we’ll just blame it on lots of stuff to do.  if nothing else dear reader, it makes me look better, and seeing as i’m the one writing, looking better sounds like a good plan.

that being said, we can move onto the important (yeah…) stuff.  it just so happens that this semester, i’m taking my first ever university english class.  technically speaking, everyone is required to take an intro-level english class when they get into the school, but i took care of that requirement in high school, so i didn’t.  it’s been rather interesting.  it’s a fun little class about the bible.  uh oh… he said bible but didn’t have a disclaimer at the top of the page.  how does that work?  well you see, it is a bible class.  but it’s also called “the bible as literature”.  so it’s not really a bible class.  it’s like a normal english class with a normal english book but with many more biblical allusions (seeing as every word, theoretically speaking, is referencing the bible… because it’s in the bible).  that’s the way it’s supposed to work at least.  faith does creep into the discussions occasionally, often by accident, but those flames are usually quenched in a timely manner.  i must say, dear reader, it’s a really different way to take the bible and read it.  it’s kind of like trying to watch a uconn vs tennessee women’s basketball game and appreciate the good play of both teams from an unbiased perspective (in the terms of the laypersons [so politically correct], that means it’s hard to do).

just this past yesterday, we handed in our first essays for the class.  my decision-making skills were shown to be a bit hazy with this paper, dear reader.  basically, i wrote a thesis that contradicts thousands of years of jewish tradition and literary merit (and because i know you’re all so interested and curious, my paper was about how while abraham [normally seen as one of the uber-cool guys and big time patriarchs in jewish tradition and history] did do a lot of good stuff for the jews and set their big long journey in motion, he also cursed them with his mistakes and led to a lot of israelite woes long after he had died.  does it line up to anything that anyone thinks?  probably not.  but hey, college is all about experimenting).  as far as trying to make a good impression with your first paper goes, that was kind of, in a word, dumb.  but i had a genius idea as i was trying to decide what to write about and went with it.  i suppose we can just see how things turn out when i get it back.

the one thing that i really took out of writing this paper, however, was that coming up with ideas (even if they are crazy, and maybe even moreso if they are) and writing about them can be a pretty cool thing.  creativity, in a nutshell, is top-notch.  being in a major of quite a musical degree, dear reader, i don’t get to do that a whole lot.

so wait a minute here.  why the heck does he keep writing the stupid “dear reader” thing?  sure, maybe it’s an endearing thing to say… once.  but saying it again and again is just overkill.  with that thought, i agree.  and as such, an explanation.  i’ve actually been plagiarizing that phrase.  i know, not very nice, but it’s getting proper acknowledgment now, so that makes it okay(ish).  i came across a cute little link recently (with the help of the oh so powerful facebook mini-feed [which i’ve have been known to appreciate and, dare i say, praise in the past]) that happens to incorporate said phrase and that i feel shares and exposes my sentiments on creativity quite perfectly.  plus, it’s got harry potter, so how can you go wrong?  it’s a fantastic multimedia experience by some crazy dude named brad neely.  basically, mr. neely took the first harry potter film (which may involve the stone of a certain sorcerer and/or philosopher) and wrote his own script for it called “wizard people, dear reader”.  simply put, you turn down the volume on the movie, crank the volume on the audio file, click play on both at (approximately) the same time, and let the magic (no pun intended) unfold before your eyes.  i must warn you, our friend the narrator does have a bit of a potty mouth at times, but with exception to that, it’s quite a ride.  i provide you with  the “re-envisioned” (as they call it) audio here so that you can join the adventures of hp, the wretched harmony, and ronnie the bear.  you can “just say no” and leave here untainted or click the dazzling link and go for it.  the choice is yours.  all i can say, dear reader, is don’t choose incorrectly.

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return of the tooth squand

well… believe it or not, summer is long gone.  long gone-ish, i guess.  i’ve been at the lovely university for a week worth of class now and was here for a week of band camp (yup, this one time… well, i’m sure you already know the drill) before that, so to me personally, summer’s been done for a while.  and i’ll just put it out there (i don’t like making big speeches.  i’m a straight shooter.  i call them like i see them. what you see is what you get.  ain’t nobody gonna break my stride.  ain’t nobody gonna slow me down. [that’s from the ever-chuckle-inducing “not another teen movie”, by the way]).  i like summer.  a bunch.  i like being at home and not having a million (and a half) things to worry about every moment of my day.  so the end of summer, for me, is a bit of a sad time.but anyway.  the start of school does have it’s perks.  one such perk just so happens to be the purchasing of a brand new, shiny (or not so shiny) tube of toothpaste.  i scoured the shelves of walmart for the best paste possible and ended up going back to the old favorite, crest pro health.  but!  it now comes in several delicious flavors.  so i’m now the lucky owner of cinnamon flavored tooth squand, instead of the obsolete minty tooth squand.  such excitement, i know.thankfully for you, however, today’s words will be about more than just tooth squand (though trust me, i could go on and on about it).  today’s wonderful focus will instead be on rules.  yes, rules.  specifically, how they are dumb.  now, not all rules are dumb.  take the “you can’t call timeout as you’re falling out of bounds” rule that was recently instated in the game of college basketball.  that’s a solid rule.  you can’t be diving for a ball, have little or no control of your body, and also claim to have enough possession to call a timeout.  it just makes no sense.  so yes, definitely a good rule.the problem is that many rules aren’t as logical as that one.  so many times, “the man” (as we will hereby refer to anyone deserving such recognition) will formulate rules for ease of control and administration that are downright silly. and believe it or not, the reason i’m bringing up this regulatory topic is that i have recently found such a rule. an unjust and unnecessary rule that the man has tossed into my path (not to mention the paths of so many others) for no reason but to scoff at me (and/or us). this rule is about candles. it is found in section 18, paragraph g of the university of connecticut housing contract and reads as such: “the burning of candles and/or incense is prohibited in all university-owned housing. candles and/or incense are prohibited in all university-owned housing. residents found responsible for burning candles and/or incense may be removed from university-owned housing.” ridiculous, i know. now to make sure that i’m not hiding any true feelings or biases about the issue, i’ll come clean right here from the get go. i would like to have and burn a candle in my dorm room. it would be nice. otherwise, it’s going to have no chance but to smell like dirty laundry, sweat, shoes, and other not-so-pleasant things. the only real smell-producers are bad ones. so a good smell to counteract those would be fabulous. especially if it was something like a fruit smoothie scented candle (which i may or may not have purchased at the beginning of the year before being informed of the newfound regulations). it’s not like i’m asking for the world. just a decent smell to live in.but no. i can only live in filth. this is what the university students pay for. living in filth. of course, i do understand the initial reasoning behind this new rule (and by the way, the whole rule isn’t new. you were never allowed to light candles [or anything else for that matter] in your room before. but they added the complete candle ban this year). if there are no candles then there are no lit candles. if there are no lit candles then there are no burning candle wicks. if there are no burning candle wicks then the fire safety issue (for candles, at least) disappears. it is a bit understandable. but then again, it just goes back to the man trying to make it easier on himself. i have never had a candle burning in my dorm room. and that unlit candle has thusly never caused a fire. so why should i be punished for doing what i was told? seems a little sketchy to me.and since we’re on the topic of lovely section 18, paragraph g, i’d like to take a step back and look at it a little more closely. it first prohibits burning candles and incense in your housing. alright. and toward the end, it states the punishment, that having a candle in your room can get you kicked out of your housing. sure. but how about the middle line. “candles and/or incense are prohibited in all university-owned housing.” um… wait a second. if you can’t have a candle, how are you supposed to burn one? seems like with line two there, line one becomes a wee bit redundant. yeah. oops for sure. kind of. for you see, this is from the 2007-2008 housing contract. a quick look at the 2006-2007 housing contract (which is substantially less stylish than its descendant) shows us where our little problem comes from. the older version states only as follows (in what was at that point section 15, paragraph g): “the burning of candles and/or incense is prohibited in all university-owned housing. residents found responsible for burning candles could be removed from the residence halls. possession of previously burned candles is prohibited.” you see, they only had the burned (or “burnt” depending on your grammatical preference) candle bit. they had to add the sweeping candle ban line because of the new sweeping candle ban rule. so they did. of course, they could have been intelligent students of writing and removed the unnecessary line afterward. but why? that would make too much sense. what do you think this place is for? smart people?while we’re here, i think it would be helpful for us to take a peek at section 18, paragraph t. it’s a doozy. within this portion, there is a small bit found within parentheses. as anyone who has read any post on this blog knows, such parenthetical use is found mostly (if not always) in unneeded times of overkill and repetitiveness. so for your sake, i will leave that part out. with that addendum, it reads as follows: “any activity which could cause personal injury or cause damage to property is prohibited within university-owned housing. snow ball throwing and/or fights is prohibited in or around residential facilities.” if you happen to disregard the snow ball portion (which seems really strange and random, considering that it is the only activity mentioned on its own), you are left with quite a statement. “any activity which could cause personal injury or cause damage to property is prohibited within university-owned housing.” wow… so we had a “welcome back” floor meeting the other day, and the hall director told us to be careful in the shower because someone had cut his hand somehow while in one of them. now i’m thinking that slicing open my hand sounds a bit like personal injury to me, so according to the rule, showering is now prohibited (thank goodness i’m already living in filth anyways or i might have been a bit upset). just thinking about it for a moment, i’d have to say that basically anything “could cause personal injury”. it probably won’t. but it could. and that’s what the rule says. oh man.so unfortunately, i cannot continue our lovely sharing time. apparently, staring at a computer screen for too long isn’t really very good for your eyes. i hope nobody finds out i’ve been looking at it. i’m not sure where i’d go if i got kicked out. though, on the bright side, i could probably bring my candle. and that would be nice. regardless, i leave you now with this line of inspiration by the fabulous jack black from his performance in the cinematic classic “school of rock”: “give up, just quit, because in this life, you can’t win. yeah, you can try, but in the end you’re just gonna lose, big time, because the world is run by the man. the man, oh, you don’t know the man? he’s everywhere. in the white house… down the hall… ms. mullins, she’s the man. and the man ruined the ozone, he’s burning down the amazon, and he kidnapped shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! and there used to be a way to stick it to the man. it was called rock ‘n roll, but guess what, oh no, the man ruined that, too, with a little thing called mtv! so don’t waste your time trying to make anything cool or pure or awesome ’cause the man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul. so do yourselves a favor and just give up!”true story. ish.

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spit or swallow

and so it begins. the start of the new semester. a new page turn in the novel we call life (and while we’re on the whole “new page” thought, i decided that my blog could use a bit of a sprucing up. the page format is a little different. there’s a spiffy new header. nothing big, but it’s certainly not the same. whether or not you were around to see the previous look, feel free to comment on what you think of the new and [hopefully] improved layout. now back to our regularly scheduled program). the next scene in this great and eternal play that we find ourselves acting out. but more importantly, of course, is something else. a new beginning that transcends school, life, and anything and everything you could possibly think of. and that new beginning…is toothpaste. yes, the ever-wonderful and squandish glory that was my pro-health toothpaste was found to be empty, and accordingly, i found it necessary to purchase a new tube. before we get to that, however, there is another concept of which to speak. while a new paste is a big deal, the emptiness (or the scenario surrounding that emptiness, more specifically) brought about an interesting situation in itself.

for you see, i happened, for the past month or so, to be on break from the university of connecticut due to the extremely cold and unsafe weather that has been wrecking havoc upon the northeastern united states (alright, so anyone who lives in the northeast or watches the weather channel knows that to be a rather substantial lie. normally winter month temperatures of 70 degrees fahrenheit aren’t classified in the “extremely cold” section. or even the minimally cold section for that matter. i was on break solely because they kicked me out of the dorm like colleges and universities tend to do. not that i’m complaining. but anyways). when i was on this break, an awful thing happened. that awful thing (as you may or may not have guessed from context clues) was the newfound emptiness of my toothpaste tube. at school, i simply would have gone over to the convenience store and purchased a new tube. but i wasn’t at school. i was at home. so i couldn’t go do that. the next best solution, then, was something i like to call “using the toothpaste that they already have at home”. simply put, i decided to use the toothpaste that they already had at home. it was a simple white, minty paste. probably good for whitening and plaque fighting and tartar control and all those lovely things. what made this situation interesting though was a deeper look into the cosmic meaning of this toothpaste development. basically, i saw myself being on break. first off, i was on break from school. and with that, i was basically on break from the normality of my life. whether i was working or seeing friends from home or being with my family, it was a contrivance from the things that i normally do. this being because when i’m at school, i can’t. basically, i was on a break from life. and in a fantastic turn of events, i was equally on a break from my toothpaste. looking back upon the happenings now, i realize that i don’t even know what brand it was (i’m thinking colgate, but i’m really not sure). in my “normal” school life, i’ve tended to see quite a bit of scrupulous meaning in the selection of my toothpaste. you’d think that what i was going to use at home would be equally important. subconsciously, that desire and concern seemed to disappear. it didn’t matter. i was on break. seemingly, in all manners of the word. even in toothpaste.

and then i came back to school and realized that i needed a new tube. it was either that or the rotting inferno known as gingivitis (and probably many other fun and exciting tooth and mouth maladies). so i went out to the store and scoured the toothpaste aisle for a top quality product. my first finding was that i must have been ahead of the learning curve. at the end of the aisle there was this big setup with a big sign and a whole big to do about pro-health toothpaste. it must be big and important now that i’ve run out of it. unfortunately, they failed to include any inclination of a squand-like texture on any signs or packaging. i guess they’re just going for the high surprise factor approach. as far as the rest of the tubes went, it was pretty standard (i’m not sure whether or not it’s a sad state of affairs when you’ve scrutinized over toothpaste so much that a toothpaste aisle and the flavors and varieties found there end up being described as “standard”, but i’ll just make the claim at being an informed consumer). they had a few different flavors for each brand. your mints. your cinnamons. and a few wild card flavors. then you had your heavy tartar controllers. and your big time whiteners. and unfortunately, none of this was really catching my eye. but then i was struck by a new word: sensitive. over the summer, i went to the dentist and had to have like 30 or 40 thousand cavities filled. and he used some new super fancy stuff that looks like your tooth to fill it so that no one can tell there was a cavity there. he said that it might feel kind of sensitive for a while because of the stuff he used. and it did. the problem was that the sensitivity never completely went away and comes and goes as it pleases. this, of course, is kind of a pain in the butt (well, a pain in the mouth actually) when i want to eat, drink, breath, etc. so all in all, a toothpaste that focused on sensitive teeth sounded like a lovely idea. and i got it.

sadly, there are no shocking stories to tell with this one. there were actually a few different sensitivity-focused toothpastes there. i chose an arm and hammer one. it has “sensitive” in big capital letters across the box, so that must count for something. it also has maximum strength whitening power and some lovely fluoride to kick plaque’s butt. i opened the tube (which has a classic screw top, unlike the last couple of pastes i had purchased that had the more modern kind of flip top) to find a normal white paste. it had that normal toothpastey mint flavor. one thing to note was the fluidity of the spit. some toothpastes create a thick mixture of toothpaste and spit that is very white and creamy. this didn’t. it was very, very fluid. didn’t even have to spit a lot. it just kind of seeped its way out. went all over my brushing hand the first time i used it, in fact. so many that’s something. could be good. could be bad. the important thing to remember, however, is this (and i quote, from the back of the box):

“directions: do not swallow
adults and children 12 years and over”

just remember, anyone under 12 is fair game.

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nutritious and delicious

you’ve come to recognize, i’m sure, that life is based around cycles. years for some. seasons for others. maybe even weeks or months for the more short-term folks. something else you’ve probably come to realize is that my cyclical thinking occurs based around none of those but something much more important. my toothpaste. for you see, my toothpaste is an extension of myself (it’s deep, i know). regardless of whether it’s a conscious or subconscious situation, i believe that you can tell a lot about someone’s current emotional and psychological state by their selection of paste. for further explanation on the matter, i’ll use myself as an example. my toothpaste that was a crazy combination of vanilla and minty goodness ran out yesterday, so i had to go and purchase some more. so i did. and while i was there i thought long and hard about what kind i should get. i had the realization that my previous couple of toothpaste selections had been based solely upon the pleasure of the brushing. when i went to buy them, the only factor i really considered was the taste. basically, i was looking for something yummy.

this time, however, that wasn’t what i thought about. it’s not that i didn’t care about how it was going to taste. that was still something in the back of my mind. but my main concern was instead more about what it would do for me. i looked more at all the words like “cavity protection”, “tartar control”, “whitening”, and things of that variety. the toothpaste that i ended up purchasing was a new one called “crest pro-health”. supposedly (according to the box, at least), it “provides dentist recommended benefits” and has many healthy-teeth kind of words on the bottom of the box. all in all, the packaging looks very fancy and professional, and everybody knows that you have to buy the item with the spiffiest box.

there are very small words on the box’s corner that say that the flavor is “clean mint”. basically, as far as most toothpastes go, that means it’s going to taste pretty bad. i was expecting, from this name, a classic white pasty toothpaste that was bland and minty. but like i’ve said, it was more about the effects than the taste. so i bought it and walked back to my dorm and went about the rest of my day and all that. it came time to brush my teeth, and it was an exciting moment. i mean, you can’t help but be both a little excited and a little nervous about a new toothpaste. it’s a big deal. i opened the box and brought the tube to the bathroom, and when i opened it, i was in for a surprise. it was not the average white toothpaste that i was expecting. it was actually blue. and gel-like (i was going to say “gelly”, but it seemed like the word would open up a can of worms of grammatical thought that could lead to a blog post all its own). i squeezed it out onto the toothbrush and put the brush in my mouth. and now is when the real excitement began. i think the best way to describe the scenario is as follows. basically, the first ten or fifteen seconds of my brushing experience felt like i was trying to brush my teeth with squand (unfortunately, they do not produce the lovely product anymore, so i wasn’t able to find a good name-brand picture online, but that is a nice non-nickelodeonized version of the same thing). now before you put the squand in water, it’s just sand. and i, admittedly, have never had the honor of tasting squand. but from looking at the waterized version of it, this toothpaste was my version of exactly what that would taste like. it was weird. really weird. i was expecting this smooth gel of a toothpaste and instead i was treated to a strange, grainy texture (which i later learned from the box to be the “activclean crystals”…duh). so was it awful? actually, no. i was pleasantly surprised that after my initial texture shock, i found the taste to be different (i can’t really put a finger on exactly what it tastes like) but not too bad.

my toothpaste quest, thankfully, was a successful one. and i learned a valuable lesson. a few really. first, don’t eat squand (unless it’s in the form of a toothpaste). second, surprises can be a good thing. especially when it means your new toothpaste ends up tasting better than you thought it would. and third, things can actually be nutritious and delicious (with both of those being slight streches, as we are talking about toothpaste here). so i leave you to ponder yourselves, your lives, and your toothpaste. the next time you’re in that aisle picking a flavor out, really think about what’s grabbing your attention. it may lead you to some wonderful, subconscious enlightenment about something that will save the world someday. or not. but that’s okay. sometimes a good tasting toothpaste is close enough to saving the world anyways. just don’t get the cinnamint. never get the cinnamint.

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…and larry

you will all be very glad to know, i’m sure, that today was a wonderful day. for me at least. it, actually, was a somewhat normal day but one with a very wonderful twist. in my world, that twist was toothpaste. if you have any history with these internet writings, you will know that it all started a little over a month ago with that very same topic. my dislike for my toothpaste brought about the beginning of all the words you have seen thus far. that toothpaste will never again inspire me, though. and that is because it is gone. the tube has run dry. and a new tube is now present and was used for the first time. since you’re all dying to know, the flavor is known as “refreshing vanilla mint”. yes, it was the “-mint” part that drove me away from my previous paste, but this one smelled nice on the scratch and sniff sticker that was on the box, so i went for it (also, something to note is that the convenience store i was purchasing from did not have the best toothpaste selection in the world, so that was also a bit of a factor in the choice). and it’s good. as of now at least, i like it much better than the old “cinnamint” garbage. but what does toothpaste have to do with some guy named “larry”? well, it doesn’t really. the fact that my brushing situation has improved just put me in such a nice mood that i decided to write even after just writing rather recently. so you’re lucky (or not so lucky, depending on your opinion), i suppose. this has all simply been a rather odd and somewhat lengthy introduction to what is really coming. but we must leave that introduction and move on with our lives. and so now, back to our regularly scheduled program:

the english language can be a rather interesting thing. it’s phonetically horrendous and the defining of what is “grammatically correct” and what is not can be so vague and obscure that there often is no definite answer as to what is actually right. but whenever a rule is actually made (or an attempt is made to do so) there are always plenty of examples of speaking and writing that blatantly do not follow it. and that seems to be okay (for whatever reason). i was walking to one of my classes today, and a phenomenal example popped into my head. i can remember sitting in my ninth grade english class (home of mr. horatio bonner and the little known art of travelling) and learning about sentences. when you speak or write a sentence, it should be done in a way that offers the least possible confusion and the most logical sense. for example, why would you say “before each night is done their plan will be unfurled by the dawning of the sun to take over the world” when you could much more logically say “their plan to take over the world will be unfurled before each night is done by the dawning of the sun” or “their plan to take over the world will be unfurled by the dawning of the sun before each night is done” (your choice)? well, the obvious reason (in this scenario) is so it will rhyme. and that does help greatly when you’re freestyling, writing poetry, or maybe even singing a television theme song. and so we have an example of the problem with the english language. depending on what we are doing, the grammatical correctness of something isn’t always the most important part. sometimes rhyming (or one of many other things) can be in the forefront. add on top of that the fact that (in this example at least) there isn’t even a single answer that could really be considered “the best”, and that throws a different wrench altogether into our dilemma. is there a way to fix all these problems? i doubt it. and so we deal. and we try our best to pass english class.

and thus i leave you with this video. enjoy. i like it a lot. (and by the way, this is the “…and larry” version of this particular theme song, which was used for one quality episode. while the original is fantastic, this one just has a little extra “something something” as nick cannon would say.)

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your belt will be your demise

if you hadn’t noticed, there are a lot of people in this world that are a little crazy about things. there’s a wide range in fact. if you took a poll of all the craziness, you might be able to find at least one person that is crazy about just about everything. one little thing that a whole mess of people tend to be crazy about, however, is hygiene. you have your normal person who will make sure that they are well groomed and washed and brushed and all that. and that’s fine. there are some people, though, that take it way too far. it starts with brushing your teeth many times a day with gallons and gallons of toothpaste and moves to carrying around little containers of antibacterial soap. it then moves to washing your hands constantly. and eventually, you end up like john travolta in “the boy in the plastic bubble.” maybe you even end up with ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder, for the acronym impaired), and it all turns out awful. of course, it all starts off well, wanting to stay clean and disease-free. but i think people take it too far.

on top of going nuts about their hygiene, people also tend to be really illogical about the whole situation. i’ll paint you a picture. you’re in a bathroom. that’s basically all you need to know as far as the whole painting thing goes. but let’s say you’re doing your thing (whatever that happens to be) in the bathroom. after you’re all finished and done in the stall or at the urinal, the seemingly normal thing to do is to go over to the sink and wash your hands. that gets rid of all the germy matter that they’ve just obtained. the hand washing ritual has become the norm in our society so much so that if someone doesn’t wash their hands after using the little girls or boys room, it’s thought to be rather disgusting. i’ll go on record here and bluntly say that i have been known every once in a while to use the bathroom and leave that same bathroom without washing my hands. i know. i’m an awful person. an awful and grossly disgusting person.

but so are you.

how can that be? you wash your hands all the time. every time you use the bathroom. it’s so much cleaner that way. the diseases don’t spread. things are so much better. or so you think. let’s take this bathroom experience and analyze it a bit more deeply. we’ll use a stall and the conventionally named “number two” as today’s example. so you enter the bathroom and find a usable, non-gross, toilet paper accessible stall and go in. the next sequence will involve some kind of turning around and stall door closing and pants undoing and sitting down and all that. the order is of no big importance. you then will deposit (for lack of a better word) the said “number two” into the toilet that you’re using. the next step is the gross step. you have to wipe. and in the process of doing that, you have a great possibility of soiling (in the most vague of definitions) yourself, specifically your hands. then you will simply pull up your pants, flush the toilet, open the stall door, and then proceed to go wash your hands. once you’ve adequately washed, you can leave. and that’s it. simple. you stayed clean and disease free. maybe.

in that sequence, all of the normal steps are taken to prevent all kinds of dirtying. hands are washed. toilet paper is used. maybe a paper seat cover is even used for the toilet seat. cleanliness is preserved for the majority of the scenario. however, there is one section in which that cleanliness does not happen. after the “number two” occurs, you go quickly to wash your hands. but what about getting there. if you had obtained any germs or other generally unhealthy substances in the process, they would stick around during that transition time. you might touch a stall wall. you will probably have to touch the closing device on the stall door, which has been touched similarly by those who have been in the same situation before you. those may seem unfortunate, but they are not the worst. the worst thing, in my opinion, is the belt. your belt will be your demise. after the deposit, you probably stand up and pull up your pants. you then have to close your belt. even if you don’t have a belt, you have to button and zip your pants. either way, all of the soiling that has been put on your hands has now been transferred to that section of your clothing. and how many of us wash our pants and belt after we use the bathroom? sure, you wash your hands and get rid of most of that stuff down the drain, but unfortunately, some of it has already been transferred by the time you get there. if you ever touch your belt (or beltal region) again, you’re doomed. i don’t know about you, but that either makes me feel a lot better about not washing my hands every once in a while or a lot worse about the fact that the germs, grossness, and diseases may be spreading around anyways. so the next time you see somebody flipping out about hygiene, check and see if they’re wearing a belt. and if they are, don’t go anywhere near it.

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toothpaste and the power of the internet

so i was brushing my teeth last night and a simple thing came across my mind: i don’t like the flavor of my toothpaste. i was looking for cinnamon when i went to the store and bought it, and unfortunately, i was somehow sucked into buying “cinnamint” instead. “cinnamint” has far too much mint and not nearly enough cinna. as i brushed my teeth this was racing through my mind, and i felt like i should inform the world, not solely because i wanted everyone to know about my dislike for my toothpaste but so that maybe someone out there won’t fall into the same terribly minty trap that i did. so here i am with a blog of sorts. maybe i’ll impart some knowledge on you. maybe i won’t. we’ll certainly find out, though, won’t we. welcome. enjoy.

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